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Monthly Archives: January 2013

When i’m gone.

Don’t be shocked when you hear that I’m gone, its not news that you didn’t know one day would come. No matter how many we have mourned in the past, our days are only coming closer. That moment when you find out about the loss of a loved one or a nearest and dearest, your heart beats and you feel as though the angel is still near, then a day goes by and it doesn’t become harder to handle, as you are surrounded by people. everyone’s lives have to go on, me not being here doesn’t stop a thing. So many moments approach to make you realise that I’m truly gone, only tears that you feel at that time you can never cry enough of. many times when you feel that life won’t go on and the feeling is so strong that no matter what you are doing, it over whelms you. You feel so alone as you try to keep on but that impossible slope begins to even out and you can at last form a smile while the thoughts of days gone by come flooding back to you.

When you hear news that I’m gone, don’t be shocked, or try to hold on, as reality is real and nothing will bring me back, just hold tight to that rope as the storm will most definitely dry and you’ll move on no matter the length of time. Think of forever and realise that in this temporal world, forever never existed, just a fantasy elaborated to make us all forget that the transition date will most definitely arrive and we must all leave this abode unsure of our final destination.
Getting caught up in this here world, is not worth all the effort, as when I’m gone I’m no more, no going back, no steps forth, just onwards to another place unknown.

When you hear news that I’m gone, don’t be shocked, wilfully carry on and pray, pray for yourself as you don’t know when its your turn, as it comes when you least expect it. There is no knock, no wait of an inviting reply. There are no addresses to keep things polite and no handshakes or smiles, just a moment and your gone, that’s it, no more, finished, the end, time is up, not even a scent, just fading memories.

So when you hear news that I’m gone, I know you’ll miss me, just be strong, not knowing what’s over the other side is hard to grasp, pray that I’m ok and ask Allah to forgive all my lies, the lies that made me forget that one day I’m going back to where I came from. the delusion is too much in this world, we do things feeling we will be awake for many more special moments, not knowing this one, might be the last one.

I’ve looked around at times and thought, how much longer can this last? Who will be first to leave? It could easily be me?
Nothing was cut short when I go, even if I left a half drunk cup of tea, the rest wasn’t meant to be. With all this badness, around me and my family, inshaAllah it will be better for me, I hold on the rope of hope and believe that it will be a beautiful legacy, the life that I lived, I don’t want it to be empty, I want it to be full of life long and beneficial memories. No matter the times that I say it, I know that one day you will be shocked when I’m gone as you never expected me to leave, despite all the reminders that we receive.

Don’t be shocked when you hear news that I’m gone, as I pray to Allah its the moment I find relief, be sad, but pray I’m smiling as I’ve gone back to a place where there is no more make believe.

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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Feeling down.

No matter how happy you are, weather you try to keep your spirits high, as much as you try to smile when you’re down. At times its just not easy, the feeling manages to penetrate no matter how hard you try. Talking to yourself only works for that immediate moment. That’s when you know, you need a remedy, it might not begin to work quite easily, it takes time but inside you know that the feeling will one day, be felt no more and you can continue from the time when a smile was so easily formed. The feeling you cannot explain, yet you try over and over again, its better to keep silent as not knowing the consequences of your words makes it fearful for you to try and explain them. Life can be good, so good, you forget when the bad days existed, that’s why it hits harder when the bad days come as they are so unexpected. You speak over and over to yourself, somewhere deep inside, something is listening, at first you cannot hear, but the more you tell yourself, it starts to break through, silently at first, it starts with a pull and a tug, the effort lasts a while but the end will always be worth the struggle. When you have spoken within, let it lie, let it rest, as when you speak when the thought is simmering, just makes it so much harder to reconcile and with words once already spoken, the mark has already been made, possibly a heart, even two hearts left broken. Don’t speak, talk within, whatever it is will give in. It doesn’t last, feeling down.

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Poor me.

If I was poor, where would I be?
If I was poor, what of me would you see?
If I was poor, would I count? Really?
If I was poor, would I ever find ease?

I don’t have much, I still have thoughts and big dreams,
I imagine life becoming better, not being stuck as if being held back on a leash,
I find myself giving in, giving up, just doing, never improving,
Just moving, without heart, without soul,
I feel manufactured, as though, serving is all my life’s work,
I feel stranded, all alone, never able to express the screaming voice inside,
The me inside that would love to be, love to see, love to feel, love to experience everything that will make me feel free.

If I was rich, I would be a somebody,
If I was rich, you would see more than just me,
If I was rich, I would count, for real,
If I was rich, life would be so easy.

Being poor, I will take as a blessing
Being poor, I see me,
Being poor, I count, as I am and will be,
Being poor, life is a stark reality.

Money will not be what makes me, me,
Money will not define my personality,
Having nothing, I will keep my dignity,
Having nothing, I cannot sell my soul, unnecessarily.

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Why cry?

I was in the hospital play room waiting on the doctor, safiyyah was playing whilst -Ibrahim sat in his buggy not feeling very well. There was a brother present with his three year old daughter, mashaAllah beautiful little girl. She had medical problems similar to Ibrahims except she couldn’t walk at all, she even had a special chair alhamdulillah. As parents do, particularly when they see that they have things in common, we exchanged a number of questions with regards to the state of health of our children, during the course of that conversation and I believe without even realising it, he really imparted some great wisdoms upon me, it left me feeling much more in charge of my feelings with regards to how I react when put in a difficult sometimes heart wrenching situation. I remember the amount of times I have wept for my son despite knowing I have no control over the situation. I do understand that what is written is what shall be but how much does my understanding translate when faced with difficulty?, I thought to myself how I would love to be that in control of my reactions, not my feelings as much, as when a mother feels that strong emotion to her child it is from the mercy that Allah has given us towards our children. This brother asked me ‘why do women cry so much?’ this was in relation to his wife as he explained to me the amount of times that she has cried with regards to their sick daughter, he said to me ‘in fact, even this morning before the appointment she cried’ I smiled as I thought to myself ‘you are asking the wrong person’ as I myself cry too much with regards to my son! Then he went on to ask me and he phrased it in arabic, which for me gave it an extra punch, it simply resonated so much more, he said ‘is it from weak iman? This time I laughed, only because I hoped not! Then I thought subhanAllah! Could it be? and if so how would I know? I have never questioned why Allah gave me my child as He did, in the hope and sincere dua that my son is an amazing blessing that could be one of our many keys into Jannah! And wallahi despite his condition, he is a true blessing in that he makes us happy in many different way’s and for me I have gained much iman through him, in fact without him I dread to think of my spiritual state! Allah knows the wisdom behind why Ibrahim is the way he is and I do not question that for a second, in the reverse actually, I question why He blessed me with such an amazing little boy, I even picture the angels falling in love with him! With that I thank Allah, as He has given me much hope despite all my tears, they are not tears of anger or frustration, but its a desperate plea to Allah almighty to give me and increase me in strength to get through it all. My emotions are always on edge when he becomes ill as many questions swirl through my mind, will he need another operation?, what will be the out come this time?, and the most dreaded of all, is this it? What if he doesn’t get through it? This time. It is not that I loose hope when I breakdown and cry but that I need to release the tears as, every day I look at my son, despite how happy I am it is as though there is a barrier within my eyes that store every tear so when anything other than the usual pattern of our life happens, the barrier falls and it all comes rushing out, this is despite the strength that I carry within me through many happy days. My tears are not because my iman is weak, although at times I do question it, I refuse to believe that. It is because I search for what is there, He who is there to let me know He is near and He is here with me and for me and I desperately beseech in Him because I know that if I do not then I can never handle the situation or get through it. Before the end of the lesson that Allah taught me that day, the brother said to me ‘kullu shay maktoob indAllah’ and he stressed this maybe three times, as though I needed to confirm it, despite my belief in it. I appreciated this reminder so much, this brother was very softly spoken with all the wisdom to make you sit up straight and listen. I was taught once by another very wise man that, when you speak sincerely, the words are from the heart to the heart and I believe that day this was the case, his advice was from a believing heart and inshaAllah to another. Allah knows and ‘everything written is with Allah

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

The longest mile.

The longest mile is when trying to get through something that you see no end to, you hope you pray, you try to have faith but on some days it all feels like a worthless effort.
Just give up! Give in! Then what? Depression sets in, the road becomes even harder. You see everyone else smiling but you, everyone else happy in their sin but you. Try your best not to walk that road, you don’t have to be alone, if we want something on opposite ends, we try to reach a decision, if we conflict, then guess what?, I’m going to pray harder than you! I’m going to steal secret moments with Allah just so I can get my word in before you!

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2013 in Uncategorized